Please (don't) watch...

I seem to be doomed to watching low grade crap even after going out of my way to watch it…the last four films I watched, (one in a theatre, the rest were rented) were all uniformly crap, or atleast definitely avoidable.

Film No. 1: ‘Dor’, from dir. of ‘Iqbal’, ‘Hyderbad Blues’, and ‘Bollywood Calling’, Nagesh Kukunoor. Actually not bad, but I walked into the theater with high expectations, and was, needless to say, let down. The film tells the story of a Kashmiri woman whose husband faces the death penalty in anarchic Saudi Arabia, and must secure the signature of a young Rajasthani girl on a letter of forgiveness to save her life. Sadly for her, her husband faces the death penalty for allegedly killing the husband of the Rajasthani girl. Also, after losing her husband, the Rajasthani kid lives the life of a typical Indian widow, one who is blamed, and therefore punished, for the death of her husband. The story follows the predictable lines of women’s emancipation, as the girl from ‘kahin to upar’ show the Rajasthani girl how to live her life. Both the ladies are stunning actors, played by Gul Panag and Ayesha Takia. Last but definitely not the least, Shreyas Talpade (lead role in ‘Iqbal’) plays the friendly swindler who is instrumental in uniting the two women and provides much needed comic relief.

Film No.2 a.k.a Disaster No.1: ‘The Devil wears Prada’ is again the story of two women who are so fake that I puked out all the food I’ve ever eaten in my life. Andy Something (Anne Hathaway from the ‘Princess Diaries’) becomes the assistant of fashion magnate Miranda Something Else (Meryl Streep, Oscar winner) hoping to make some quick money and then return to a career in journalism. The typical girl-next-door, Andy keeps getting snubbed in the face for her dress sense, or the lack of it. Incase any of you were worried that our heroine will live a life of abject derision and criticism, don’t. Coz our leading lady soon becomes a Sellout of the worst kind: a converted Sellout. She not only starts wearing clothes wearing obscenely large sums of money, she also starts believing in the philosophy. After earning the respect of her impossible boss (who, by the way, decides to throw away jackets worth three million dollars on a whim) she loses her friends and her boyfriend, both of whom don’t like the all-new, grotesque, looking-like-a-god, fake Andy, to whom she says, “screw you all, I don’t need you.” Does Andy get back to her senses and start living a normal life? Or does she continue living in the fake, superficial world of “fashion”? Don’t watch the movie, because I’ll tell you anyways…she mends her fake ways, and gets a job as a journo in The Boston Times. And she remains the chocolaty-sweet girl, gets back with her guy (after sleeping with some fashion idiot in Paris, by the way) and is still nice to her boss and the boss’s other assistant (another fake character, just in case you were hoping for a faint ray of hope). Hurray for Andy, anyone?

Film No. 3 a.k.a Disaster No.2: ‘Sleepy Hollow’ is supposed to be Johnny Depp’s best acting performance to date. It is not. It is a disgusting B-grade horror flick from the king of this genre, Tim Burton. I shouldn’t have gone near this one with a bargepole, but I did…and sorely regretted it…

Film No. 4 a.k.a Disaster No.3: Tell me something…are adult comedies supposed to be strictly non-funny? ‘Sideways’ (Oscar nominee for Best Film, Best director and three other nominations) is exactly that. It follows the adventures of two thirty-somethings, Jack and Miles. Jack is a crass, sickening bastard, who is also scheduled to get married in five days. He wants to celebrate his last few days of freedom by getting all the humoing, pumping action he can possible get, in the lead-up to his wedding (to another woman, incase you weren’t paying attention. Who he loves, or something). He takes along divorcee-for-two-years, rejected author and wine taster all rolled into one, Miles, who doesn’t approve of his best buddy’s way of celebration, but is forced to hang on to the ride. Actually, this movie is actually watchable, but a warning is necessary here: this movie has scenes of complete nudity…so don’t say I didn’t warn you. That’s why I didn’t ruin the ending for this one…though its not difficult to predict…you’ll see.

And that winds up my list of movies you should not see this weekend…or actually, ever…