The Radio play...

The play starts with the sounds of cars whizzing by in the hustle and bustle of a city street. Suddenly, there is a screech of rubber on tarmac and the voice of a

Woman 1: Oh my God, somebody call an ambulance!

Over the continuing sounds of traffic, sounds of a number being dialed and Woman 2 (speaking crisply) : Please, an ambulance quickly! To [aside] oh, goddamit, what’s this place called?

Man 1 (urgent voice): This is dark horse road.

Woman 2: You got that? Dark horse road? Quick, as quick as possible!

In the background, voices of general sympathy and hushed tones. In a few seconds, the sounds of an ambulance siren wailing over the traffic comes closer. Sounds of activity and tersely issued orders amongst atleast five men, on the lines of:.

Joshi: “Rane, do we have a pulse?”

Rane: “Sir he’s not too bad…he just looks gruesome…he’s got a damaged lung and a few broken bones…he’s on the ventilator.”

Joshi: “Well, in that case, take your time…our ambulance is broken down…the replacement won’t be here for a few minutes.

A heavy voice comes on.

Anil: Are you Mr. Joshi? Sir! (In a higher voice) Can you tell me what’s goin’ on here? I’m Anil Phatak…that’s my colleague, Mahesh.

In somewhat fake cheery voice, Joshi responds. He’s got a cocksure voice, a sort of energy and youthfulness that is difficult to describe.

Joshi: Oh, good to see someone who knows him here. Well, we’re pretty sure he’ll make it sir. The paramedic team was here within a few minutes, you see. A young woman watched the entire episode and called us immediately…he’s fine sir, really…he’s got a couple of broken bones and all, but nothing mother nature can’t cure with time on her side, eh sir? There is some damage to the right lung too, but men have had perfectly healthy lives even after injuries like that, right sir?

Rane: Guys, what’s happening? Why have all the systems switched off? What’s goin on? Hey Joshi! [Shouts] We’ve got a complete systems failure here!

Joshi: [taken by surprise] What the…

Another voice, slightly meek, but trying to regain a possible former authority and confidence, is heard.

Man 1: Sir, er…that was me…I went into the back of the van for something and yanked out the power supply by mistake…

Joshi: Well, my good man, what the hell are you waiting for? Plug the systems back in!

Man 1: I did, sir…the systems take a few seconds to come back on…[optimistic] they must be on by now.

Rane: Its too late sir…the ventilator shut off too…we lost him.

Joshi: You can’t be serious!

Rane: I am sir…checked his pulse…the systems also tell me the same thing…

Joshi: [whistles] Oh Boy! Just when I thought! This can’t be good! He’s got a wife and two kids, they’ll be devastated! The face which always brought a smile to her face will now bring only a tear…the guffaw which made his kids jump over him like a jungle gym will never be heard again! Who knows what this man might have done, had he lived? He could have invented a cure for AIDS, or won the Booker prize, who knows? Maybe he was the man God sent to us to knock some sense into the heads of our bloody politicians! Oh, what might he have done? The mind truly boggles…but now, he is reduced to, in the words of Mark Antony, a “bleeding piece of earth”…he has left us for the Kingdom of Heaven, and this eulogy is all that remains of him…I bow my head

Cut off by Anil Pathak He seems to be seething with anger, like he’s been restraining himself from speaking but he can’t stop himself anymore.

Pathak: Stop it, Mr. Joshi, stop it right now! No one writes lines of fake poetry for dead people in real life, sir…[takes a deep breath] no eulogies for dead people in real life…

[Finis]

Please (don't) watch...

I seem to be doomed to watching low grade crap even after going out of my way to watch it…the last four films I watched, (one in a theatre, the rest were rented) were all uniformly crap, or atleast definitely avoidable.

Film No. 1: ‘Dor’, from dir. of ‘Iqbal’, ‘Hyderbad Blues’, and ‘Bollywood Calling’, Nagesh Kukunoor. Actually not bad, but I walked into the theater with high expectations, and was, needless to say, let down. The film tells the story of a Kashmiri woman whose husband faces the death penalty in anarchic Saudi Arabia, and must secure the signature of a young Rajasthani girl on a letter of forgiveness to save her life. Sadly for her, her husband faces the death penalty for allegedly killing the husband of the Rajasthani girl. Also, after losing her husband, the Rajasthani kid lives the life of a typical Indian widow, one who is blamed, and therefore punished, for the death of her husband. The story follows the predictable lines of women’s emancipation, as the girl from ‘kahin to upar’ show the Rajasthani girl how to live her life. Both the ladies are stunning actors, played by Gul Panag and Ayesha Takia. Last but definitely not the least, Shreyas Talpade (lead role in ‘Iqbal’) plays the friendly swindler who is instrumental in uniting the two women and provides much needed comic relief.

Film No.2 a.k.a Disaster No.1: ‘The Devil wears Prada’ is again the story of two women who are so fake that I puked out all the food I’ve ever eaten in my life. Andy Something (Anne Hathaway from the ‘Princess Diaries’) becomes the assistant of fashion magnate Miranda Something Else (Meryl Streep, Oscar winner) hoping to make some quick money and then return to a career in journalism. The typical girl-next-door, Andy keeps getting snubbed in the face for her dress sense, or the lack of it. Incase any of you were worried that our heroine will live a life of abject derision and criticism, don’t. Coz our leading lady soon becomes a Sellout of the worst kind: a converted Sellout. She not only starts wearing clothes wearing obscenely large sums of money, she also starts believing in the philosophy. After earning the respect of her impossible boss (who, by the way, decides to throw away jackets worth three million dollars on a whim) she loses her friends and her boyfriend, both of whom don’t like the all-new, grotesque, looking-like-a-god, fake Andy, to whom she says, “screw you all, I don’t need you.” Does Andy get back to her senses and start living a normal life? Or does she continue living in the fake, superficial world of “fashion”? Don’t watch the movie, because I’ll tell you anyways…she mends her fake ways, and gets a job as a journo in The Boston Times. And she remains the chocolaty-sweet girl, gets back with her guy (after sleeping with some fashion idiot in Paris, by the way) and is still nice to her boss and the boss’s other assistant (another fake character, just in case you were hoping for a faint ray of hope). Hurray for Andy, anyone?

Film No. 3 a.k.a Disaster No.2: ‘Sleepy Hollow’ is supposed to be Johnny Depp’s best acting performance to date. It is not. It is a disgusting B-grade horror flick from the king of this genre, Tim Burton. I shouldn’t have gone near this one with a bargepole, but I did…and sorely regretted it…

Film No. 4 a.k.a Disaster No.3: Tell me something…are adult comedies supposed to be strictly non-funny? ‘Sideways’ (Oscar nominee for Best Film, Best director and three other nominations) is exactly that. It follows the adventures of two thirty-somethings, Jack and Miles. Jack is a crass, sickening bastard, who is also scheduled to get married in five days. He wants to celebrate his last few days of freedom by getting all the humoing, pumping action he can possible get, in the lead-up to his wedding (to another woman, incase you weren’t paying attention. Who he loves, or something). He takes along divorcee-for-two-years, rejected author and wine taster all rolled into one, Miles, who doesn’t approve of his best buddy’s way of celebration, but is forced to hang on to the ride. Actually, this movie is actually watchable, but a warning is necessary here: this movie has scenes of complete nudity…so don’t say I didn’t warn you. That’s why I didn’t ruin the ending for this one…though its not difficult to predict…you’ll see.

And that winds up my list of movies you should not see this weekend…or actually, ever…